1:45 p.m. - Friday, Nov. 07, 2003
J Comes Back
I have been working today on setting up my mother's checking account for the online Bill Pay program. I have that on my own checking account and it's very handy and convenient. Mama has been so worried that her checks might be stolen out of the mailbox so now this will take care of that. With Bill Pay the bank immediately deducts the amount for each bill paid and issues them a check which is similar to a Cashier's Check. That way the check cannot be altered.
Mama's also been upset about some of her checks being held for too long by a company such as her rent. This causes her worry that they haven't received her check. Panic time. This way, with Bill Pay, the money will be deducted immediately from her checking account and then it will be between the bank and the person being paid as to the hold up on cashing the checks.
J and his new wife came in from Florida for a visit this week. They'd just been here a couple of weeks ago. This time they came to straighten out some problems over his Tennessee driver's license. He couldn't get a Florida license until he paid the traffic tickets he still owed in this state first. Boy, they really have people like J by the throat, lol, this way. J told me that he couldn't even get a decent job because of not havin' a permanant Florida driver's license. So they spent a couple of days and nights here. I certainly hope that it is all straightened out. J can get himself into more trouble than I've ever seen one person do. He doesn't have any concept of how all of this is effectin' his life. He seems to think that he can get by with not payin' bills or fines or whatever. But it always catches up with him sooner or later. I would think he would learn a lesson from each time he does this kind of thing, but it seems he never has yet.
I enjoyed the visit although J did get on my computer while here and uploaded things that I had already told him before that I didn't want on my hard drive. But, again, he continues to think only of himself. Then yesterday he told me that he didn't have money to get back to Florida with and I had to fork over some cash to help him return. I just hope they don't feel the need to visit here again for a good long time.
I feel sorry for L's family with whom L and J are stayin' in Florida. L's mother called me yesterday to make sure that they arrived here ok. J and L were still asleep after stayin' up most of the night. I had gone on to bed. That's when J does all of his up to no good-ness, in the middle of the night--just like a thief.
Yesterday after I gave them some money to get back to Florida with (more than I really thought was probably necessary) I couldn't get to sleep for thinkin' about how J had waited until the last minute to spring it on me. I found myself wonderin' how involved with knowin' about this L had been. I have this odd feelin' that L is very much like J too. She's a pretty person physically, but she lets J come up here and pull stunts like this on me and it makes me question her also.
I had given them some money the last time they were here only a couple of weeks before this time, to help them, supposedly, get a business license, which they told me would be about $500 each so that they could begin their own business. Then I gave them another $1,000 on top of all of this just because I was feelin' generous at the time while I was still shellin' out money. I had already mailed them $200 as a wedding gift at the end of October.
Now they needed money to get back to Florida on. Hmmm....I think somethin' does smell rotten in Denmark--or Florida now. I began to consider that they had this church wedding that must have been on her parents, I suppose. And I know that J has worked some, or at least he claims to have been workin'. But yet they have no money and, as far as I know, no business license, for I'm sure J would have bragged about it if they did. So they have blown in over $2,000 of my money in a very short period of time. This thought is what drove sleep from me last night. They're both blatently usin' me. And it's so clear to me now that it hurts very badly.
I have decided that I hope they don't come back again. I am going to let them know that I don't have money just to dole out to them. I have got to. I can't go through this like an idiot with my eyes closed any longer. The truck ordeal was bad enough a year ago.
I can't continue to give to J. I just can't.He doesn't know how to use the help he receives wisely. He blows money left and right without a thought for tomorrow. Why not? He's got idiot Belle to fall back on. Well this is one idiot who's given J enough time and enough chances to last a lifetime. I'm very tired of it now. This is it.
I wondered last night if J is connin' L's parents like he's done with me all along? I hope they can see through him. But if they do, I feel very sorry for them that J is now married to their daughter. I thought last night that I should have talked to L's mother when she called and let her know how J is, but I really hoped that since he'd gotten married that he'd become more responsible. Evidently not. If their marriage holds up I will be very surprised. And I'm glad that L says she doesn't think she can have kids now. I hope not. I'd hate to think that children might become involved in J's games. How long will it be before J finally grows up? Darn, he's about 24 now.
I also came to realize that when J finds out for certain that he can't get any more money from me that he will drop our "friendship" like a hot potato. Maybe that's for the best. I should never have begun back with him again anyhow after the truck ordeal. Why do I keep such high expectations for him? Why do I keep thinkin' that he will change? He may never change. Should I have told L's mother how J is? Do they already know it, I have to wonder? I mean, surely they can see by now. Or maybe it will take awhile yet like it keeps takin' for me. Maybe they're holdin' out hope for J too. Bless their hearts.
J is co-dependent on me and I allow him to be. I'm supportin' his lifestyle. And what's even worse is that I can't stop myself from doin' it. I can't stop expectin' him to change. I can't stop carin' enough to hope that he'll change. In my mind I know he won't ever change most likely. But in my heart I can't stop lovin' him.
Maybe I should just leave things alone now. At least he's far away from me in Florida. And if I can somehow find the strength to say no to him about borrowin' any more money from me which I know I will never see again. Maybe if I can stop myself from givin' in to him each time he smiles at me...At least then maybe I will be safe from J and even, hopefully, free of him altogether.
