11:17 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 12, 2003
Feelin's About J
I finally have figured out how to work the printer/scanner/fax all in one. Whew! What a headache that was, hahaha. And now for the finale I hope I can get the new DVDR to work. The Philips is very different from the Panasonic. It looks better and I think I can, with a lot of readin', figure it out. Already I like it better because I can use my regular DVD player and the DVDR both without havin' to unhook one while I use the other as I did with the Panasonic. Things are comin' together slowly but surely.
Machines scare me. I can't imagine bein' able to figure them out. The computer makes me paranoid. I love to operate one when it runs properly, but let something mess up on it and I run off screamin' for help. And now I have this DVDR to figure out on my own. I dread it. i have to make time to sit down and read the instruction booklet when I'd much rather read a Robert Ludlum novel that doesn't require a lot of concentration since it's only for entertainment.
I have three new dvds from Netflix to watch. Two of them must have had a pretty good description because from the title they don't sound too interestin'. I did move them to the top of my list,however, so they must've sounded pretty good at the time or else Matt Damon or Ben Affleck show up in them. I need to get some more Josh Hartnett movies. He's cool.
Earlier today I watched "The Mall Rats" with Ben Affleck in it. That must have been why I decided to see it. It also had J and Silent Bob, whom I haven't really cared that much for, but they're growin' on me, lol. I love the way Silent Bob doesn't ever speak except once in a blue moon and when he does it's kind of profound. Now that cracks me up. But they can ditch the orangatang. That monkey is ultra ugly, lol. But then....come to think of it, maybe they run around wih the monkey because bein' seen with it makes them look more attractive, lol.
I nearly didn't recognize Ben Affleck until near the end of "Mall Rats". I kept thinkin' he looked familar. This must have been one of the first movies he made before he got all suave and debonair lookin'. He didn't look quite as hunky as he normally does now. I kept waitin' for Matt to make a cameo appearance, but...it never happened. Waaaaaa!!!! So I popped 'The Bourne Identity" in. Yeah, you know it, don'cha?
Tonight I prepared to cook a roast overnight on low heat in the oven. I need to buy myself a crock pot. I fixed it in a cake pan lined with aluminum foil, filled with water with onion cut up into chunks over the meat and in the water. Then I covered it over with the foil. Tomorrow I will fix potatoes and carrots to go with it. I love roast beef.
On the Internet I found a Yahoo skin (design) of Josh Hartnett to download to my Yahoo Instant Messenger. So now I have that to look at instead of the plain Yahoo colors. I really wanted a Yahoo IM skin with Matt Damon but I couldn't find one, so Josh is the next best thing. He's c ool.
I talked to my friend J on the telephone tonight also. J is the guy who kind of left me in the lurch back about a year ago and ran off to Florida. Well, he's married now and he's called me a few times. He's ok. He's a friend. I'm straightened out so I have no problems with him contactin' me. He's doin' ok for himself too. He's thinkin' of beginnin' a new business down in Florida. I wish him well with it. I've even talked to his wife and she sounds very friendly. We're all just one big bunch of friends now. Better this than hard feelin's and stuff. I'd rather it be this way. I don't like to hold onto grudges, especially if things begin to improve. And I'm financially better off right now than when he left here before. So all's well that ends well, I suppose.
When J called me tonight, he told me that he and his wife, L, are house-sittin' for a friend. He told me about a huge cat the people have that comes in through a window in a spare bathroom and has to be caged off from the rest of the house because it's so mean. J says he thinks the cat is part mountain lion since it's so huge and fierce. Wow, I hope he might make a photo of that cat sometime and send it to me, haha. I can't imagine it. And the people have another cat that's more tame and domestic, plus a hairy dog. I don't remember if J told me how long the people would be gone for or not.
He and L are workin' on buildin' their own home. That's nice. I just hope they don't get themselves into such deep debt they won't be able to see daylight. If he does all he says, J will be lookin' at needin' quite a bit of money soon. From what he says, I think L's family may have some money however, so maybe they will help him out. I hope so. My friends and family would have a tee-total fit if I handed J over some more money. But J did give me a lot of help while he was around here before. He just needs some kind of guidance that I'm not equipped to give.
J's father does not get along with J. He hasn't been much of a father to J at all actually ever and that's one of the reasons my heart went out to J before. I like to think that I gave J some assistance with his life a little. And showed him love and patience when he needed it most since I've known him. But what J really needs is to know that people will not abandon him when or if he gets into trouble or makes whopper mistakes. And J can make some whoppers too, believe me! His mother was brutally killed when J was only three and his father is in prison for it. J has never forgiven his father for what he did. His only older sister has no desire to be in contact with J. It's very sad.
So I have tried to remain close to J as his friend. But I'm just not able to give him the help that perhaps some kind of father figure would. I have been told by some people that I actually have enabled J to remain under developed by helpin' him too much at times and freein' him from the responsibility of his own actions. But my heart goes out to J. I can't help myself. I love the guy. Not like a lover but as a friend to whom he's bared his soul and shared his inner most secrets with at times. I know J better than most people. I know that even though J makes terrible errors in judgment sometimes he doesn't really mean to get into trouble or to cause other people problems. He just can't avoid it due to some inability to perceive the trouble he can get into at times by his faulty miscalculations.
And I know that people don't always understand my feelin's about J. I feel like his family in a way. I share J's secrets as I said. Secrets no one else knows about. I've listened to him tell me about child abuse from his Aunt who had J and the money he got from SSI during his younger years. She showed J no love or tenderness. Then she kicked him out and disowned him when he became sixteen figurin' his SSI was about to run out shortly anyhow.
I've listened to him talk about his mother. I've heard him say that she seems like a complete stranger in his heart because he has no memories, even ones that should have been created by family, to draw upon to make her seem real to him in some way. It's just not there. I've seen J's own family members turn on him in an instant and write him out of their lives. I have been a witness to it. It's broken my heart for him. He's alone. I'm the only remainin' constant in J's life now. And I always will be. No matter what J does or doesn't do, I'm here for him as much as I can be. I just wish my family could understand that better.
I cannot let them know when I hear from J. They don't like me even talkin' to him any more. J needs someone to depend on, someone who remains beside him no matter what. Maybe his wife will become that for him. Maybe he will mature more and become more responsible. I certainly hope so, for both their sakes.
J broke my heart tonight on the phone when he told me that his own blood sister, C, wouldn't come to his weddin'. I sent them a card with a check enclosed. J knows that I'm not able to travel that far and he understands. He was more let down because C had not even sent him even as much as a card. He'd offered to pay her way down to Florida and even pay for somewhere for her to stay, but she still didn't come. No one came to his wedding from his family's side. So sad.
Everyone's life is full of troubles and woes at times. It's part of living. It prepares us to feel and understand what others experience when they are in trouble and frees us to open our hearts and to reach out in help and support. I believe that. I have a large compacity to care and to love because of the pain I have experienced, the rejection I've felt at times, and the fact that the one constant in my life was my father who is now deceased.
My father always encouraged me to be better and to hope for better. He gave me reason to continue when I could have given in to the pain of a handicap or to the tauntin's in school. He taught me to take pride in myself, because I'm Somebody worthwhile. He taught me that I'm not second best just because I have a handicap. I remember my father. He was there for me. It's that memory that I draw upon now when I meet people like J who have no father to protect them from abuse or to comfort them with encouragin' words. I do identify strongly with J. Our lives are very different, but our need to be accepted and loved just for who we are, regardless of the past, regardless of the limp, is the same.
J's my friend and we share a very close bond--painful lives. I love J like family--regardless....
